Manners seem to be a thing of the past:

Who remembers Emily Post? She was once the arbiter of all things “polite.” Now, most people would not recognize the name. Someone who was once so well-known and familiar has nearly disappeared from polite conversation. Of course, the other thing that has disappeared is polite conversation. People no longer know how to have a conversation. They text or perhaps FaceTime. Due to constant screen viewing, young people are growing up with limited social skills.

Manners count. Most older people think manners are in short supply these days. It is crying into the wind to complain because, except for elders, people don’t care anymore. The fall from grace of daily ‘good manners’ is shocking. If you had told me in the 1950s that manners would go out of fashion, I would never have believed you.

Once, parents prodded children in the back for slumping at the table. No elbows on the table, and put your napkin in your lap. Parents chastised offspring for not looking someone in the eye when shaking hands. Southern children, especially, were taught to call adults Sir and Ma’am. This use of titles was serious business. Good manners, in the South, demanded it. My family did not ask for such a show of obedience. When I heard my friend’s parents demanding this sign of respect, I remember thinking, “They don’t mean me.” Now, I wonder if they were subtly trying to school me in Southern respect. Instead, I knew how to curtsy. I did this without even thinking about it. When introduced to an adult, I put out my hand to shake theirs, but simultaneously, I curtsied, bending my knee and lowering my body slightly. Young girls were expected to curtsy to adults as a sign of obedience and respect. Adults were addressed as Mr., Mrs., or Miss, never by their first name. We might call a cherished friend of the family “Aunt.” Shaking hands was the standard greeting between equals. Fist bumping would have been considered rude and unpleasant.

Yet, “Manners Maketh the Man” was said by so many people over the years that no one is sure who was the first to use the phrase.

In Shakespeare’s play Hamlet, Polonius advises his son Laertes to behave with good manners when he travels abroad: “This above all: to thine own self be true / And it must follow as night the day / Thou canst not then be false to any man / Farewell: my blessing season this in thee!” In this context, Polonius emphasizes that good manners are essential for success and respectability.

Aristotle emphasized cultivating virtues like respect, humility, and kindness. The idea is ancient and necessary to a civilized society. Perhaps we can no longer call ourselves civilized. We do not respect authority, and we are often lacking in humility. Kindness is in short supply as well.

“As members of a ‘society of equals’—and without a God-ordained order of birth and rank—Americans have always suffered from a collective case of status anxiety,” from an article about Emily Post.https://time.com/5710240/emily-post-history/

This insecurity is a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it is wonderful that there are no royal families (and ‘no kings’ in this country, so riots using this term are ridiculous). We believe we are all created equal, even though there has been a concerted effort to divide us on issues that cause emotions to rise. This divisive campaign has been effective until now. But a number of people are beginning to see the manipulation, the propaganda and the programming that has taken place. They don’t like it.

The way people dress is abominable. I take advantage of it myself and understand the desire to be comfortable. I never wear stockings or pantyhose anymore, does anyone? I dress for comfort and ease. I have a uniform of my own, consisting of long black trousers and a black turtle neck top. Over that, I wear a flowy top that minimizes my belly. Turquoise nail polish, jewelry, and all of my accessories, like glasses, purses, and iPhone covers, are also turquoise. I get compliments on my looks every single day because so many people look like they are going to bed instead of going out to shop or getting on an airplane. The world we live in is topsy-turvy.

Some of my liberal friends who do not like the President have said they appreciate his stance on modern habits, “I love how Trump says no drugs, no alcohol, no tattoos.” But they still hate him. They say he is crude. I suppose he is. But people who are shocked by this have not been paying attention. It is his way of talking. Obama had a trained way of speech and a hypnotizing sing-song quality. Bush drove people crazy with his ‘drawl,’ as did Jimmy Carter.

But our President does not bother to soften his words, nor is he diplomatic. He says things others would never vocalize. He says them unapologetically. Because these things are true, they ruffle some feathers. Calling out a country for being “s–thole” or calling women fat and unattractive horrifies people. But these are not lies. Yes, President Trump’s faults are many.

However, he knows the importance of dressing for the occasion. He wears suits and ties with apparent ease. When golfing, his clothes are appropriate to the game and season. A liberal friend said, “The way the men are dressed at the grocery store with their pants around their knees, I don’t get it. I once saw a man shopping in a big box store with his pants precariously low. He had a girlfriend right there, holding a baby. Couldn’t she tell him to pull his pants up?”

But no one does tell them. Do they genuinely think it is cool to look so unkempt? Surely, no ‘gentleman’ would dress in that way. But it has become the norm for many young people. Years ago, in about 1971, I asked our minister’s wife in the Episcopalian Church if she thought I might wear a “pantsuit” in church. She was trying to be diplomatic as she told me “No,” but she was unequivocal. There was no question about her answer. It just was not done. Half a century later, I attend a church in Charlottesville where all the women wear pants or trousers every Sunday. It is rare to see a skirt.

Language should be first on the list of manners. The fact that this is an issue is new. Fifty years ago, the use of forbidden words was limited to seedy bars and all-boy venues out of earshot of the ladies. Now, anything goes. And some women swear more than most men. The dumbing down of America is illustrated best by the reduction in the number of words in our spoken vocabulary. Surely, we are losing words daily. In place of abundance, words that were once forbidden are common in conversation. I recently watched an old favorite movie and realized that during the first few minutes, the “dialogue” consisted of the repeated use of the “F” word. Dialogue? I think not.

Manners include how one treats others at any age or station in life. More and more older people find themselves in a care home or retirement community for the elderly. Some people thrive because they have people to talk to and do things with. There are restaurants, or snack bars, and planned activities. It is a lovely solution for many people as they age. Being kind, empathetic, and honest with them shows manners and innate goodness. But there is a dark side to getting old and infirm. Much abuse of older people goes unreported, especially as their mental powers weaken. Often, the true colors of relatives shine through when it is time to deal with aging parents. A friend of mine, Kathryn Austin, wrote a book about this that everyone should read. Sometimes, family members are greedy and manipulative. Be careful who has your power of attorney because they can act in your place. They can even change your will. Be vigilant.

We are all different. We hold different beliefs about religion, politics, current events, and cultural changes. Having good manners is a way of traversing these issues without making enemies out of friends. People can still love each other despite their different beliefs, no matter how wide the chasm. That is what manners are for.

Copyright©. 2025 Bonnie B. Matheson